"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:45 NKJV
I am amazed. When I look at my life and I think about how the Lord has been faithful to me, I really am overwhelmed. People see the gifts, but God sees the heart. My heart has not always been turned towards the things of God. Yeah, I grew up in church. But that didn't mean that I was manifesting the character of Christ.
Over the years, through a continuous series of bad judgment calls and flesh decisions, I began looking like the picture of a man in chains. Living beneath my privilege, I found myself hating the person that I saw in the mirror. Running from place to place performing in hopes that the minstrel show that was John Gray would continue on indefinitely. People love the show. And I had learned, if not by lifestyle then by example of others, that the show must go on.
No matter how tired I was had to keep going. No matter how drained I was I had to keep performing. And no matter how empty I was, I had to continue to pour out. This has been my life. For better or worse these years have begotten something. Here at the halfway point of my life I find myself truly assessing who I am. I say half way because the word of God promises us 70 years.
There are so many things that I would do differently if I could go back in time. So many mistakes I made. So many relationships I ruined. So many flesh decisions in the midst of my spiritual transformation. There is, and always has been, a desire for freedom with the clear realization that bondage is the reality of my flesh man. Sin was in me. My enemy was my inner me.
I would find myself crying out to people that I thought understood me in hopes that they could somehow say something that would free me but to no avail. I've run from church to church in the hope of finding a leader that could unlock and unravel the mysteries of the word of God so that I might be free once and for all.
I have rested lonely night in and night out waiting on a promise that I was not prepared to receive. I desired a wife but had never cultivated the character of a husband. I desired to be a father but had never fought to become selfless. I'm a natural born leader but I have never fought for the necessary disciplines of time management, personal relationship development, aftercare, and follow-up necessary to produce generational relevance.
I am a juxtaposition in terms. I am at once passionate yet disinterested. I am creative yet unfocused. I am discerning yet sometimes unwise. I think future but live for the now. I could go on and on, but I don't believe there is a need to. You get the point. My purpose for sharing this information today is to offer encouragement to someone reading this. Everyone has a process. Everyone's timing to "get it" is different from everyone else's. I share with you the casualties of my personal war in an effort to show you a clearer picture of the man behind these words.
I love God. At least I love who I believe God to be. I say this because who God is, and who I think God is, are two very different realities. I thought my life was okay with God. I thought because I had talent that I could do whatever I wanted without correction. I thought because I saw others get away with things that I too could get away with things. It is not the case.
For in these months of intermittent manna, I have been coming to grips with my theology. I thought that I was inherently good. The Word of God declares otherwise. I thought that I could be undisciplined and still be effective. The Word of God declares otherwise. I thought that salvation was enough. The Word of God declares otherwise. Like the apostle Paul, I too had to have the scales ripped from my eyes in order to see my true state.
All this time I thought that I was doing damage to the kingdom of the enemy. In fact my life of mixture strengthens the enemy's position in many respects. If there is one thing that I have learned in reading my Bible recently, it is that the life of a disciple is truly all or nothing. For I am commanded to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind and with all our strength. I will be honest to tell you that I have not up to this point given God everything.
Everything is everything. Anything less than everything is nothing.
Some things I'm still holding on to. But today, right now in fact, I declare an end to my reign over myself. Hallelujah. If you are like me and you need to release some things into the hands of God today, then join me. In order to release one must assess. I took a survey of my life and came to the conclusion that my life was not lining up fully with God's Word.
I don't know how. I don't know when exactly. I just know that it happened.
I was kidnapped. I allowed the enemy of my soul to take me and place me in bondage.
My life was hijacked by secret sin and bad decisions. I developed a cloak and dagger lifestyle. Hiding behind immense gifts in order to produce tainted fruit. Struggling in chains, occasionally breaking free from time to time I found myself polarized. In one moment I'm at the highest of highs and then suddenly without warning I'm at the lowest of lows. It is the life and despair of one who is in bondage.
It is a symptom of the sin hostage syndrome. It's when you are taken captive, struggle to get free, stop fighting, and then accept your fate. You become comfortable in your broken state. You stop fighting. You don't even look for the exit anymore.
I needed to be rescued. I needed to be saved. I needed deliverance. And I knew that once I walked in full deliverance, full freedom, that there would not be one thing that could stop me in this earth. The devil knew it to. So he held me for ransom. You too. No SWAT team could save us. No undercover operation could free us. No military personnel could overpower our captor. Only One had what it took to free you and I.
My Dad made the call. The terms were discussed. The Meeting Point for The Exchange was determined. It was a One-for-one deal. I would go free and my big Brother would take my place. My freedom was His bondage. My chance at life meant His certain death. What an uneven exchange.
What is it that God saw in me that was worth letting Jesus die for? What rests inside of me that is so valuable that someone had to die for me to have the chance to release it? What are you carrying that is so precious that the death of an innocent Man was necessary for you to have the opportunity to produce it?
The ransom has been paid. You, like I, have been set free. What ever our lives looked like in the past, we have a new slate because of Jesus Christ. It turns out that my captor is angry. He feels that he was double- crossed. That's funny. Double crossed. His Cross took the place of my cross. Thank you Jesus. I was a hostage to sin with no hope for escape. I was scheduled to die. I could see no reason that anyone would risk anything to redeem me. But God did. He saw something so great in me that He decided to allow His Son to die in my place. And for that I owe Him my allegiance, my affection, and most of all my will.
Talk about a heist! It would seem that God didn't add up the equation correctly. But God believes that He got the better end of the bargain. After all, Jesus rose again AND we were set free! He got His money's worth and got His ransom back! Hallelujah!
So today, I encourage you to begin looking at your life for what is, good and bad, and know that God was well aware of where you'd be at this very point in your life and still decided to allow Christ to die in your place. The enemy heisted your destiny in the Garden, but Jesus gave it back to you on the Cross! You and I have been ransomed, no longer slaves to sin but heirs of God to good works! I say to you what I say to myself! Live! Love! Lead! Move forward! The enemy is arrested and you are free! No matter what you've done, it's paid for!
If that isn't enough to make you stop and give God a praise break, then nothing is!
PRAISE BREAK!!! FORMER HOSTAGES FREED!
Keep going.
John Gray
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